Advance Spongebob
May Your Days Be Frugal And Bright
Hello fellow citizens of the sub-prime mortgage society. If you are swimming in an aromatic bath of equity, investments, and liquid assets, please read no further. If you are not, I encourage you to try these holiday dollar stretchers, which are the result of my brainstorming for my own newly single-income household. Fight the power of your oh-so-easy-to-swipe Citibank Visa, and try an Xmas that is heavy on the joy and low on excess.
- Small is the new big. Get a small Christmas tree, those little ones available in nurseries and even drugstores. Prop it up on a table, throw grandma’s nativity scene beside it (or a few stuffed snowmen from the bottom of your child’s toy chest, if you are looking for a secular vibe), and make it a festive, but little, focal point of the room. Little children will be sold on this, especially if they watch Charlie Brown. Mine are always asking for the little tree. A small tree is not only cheaper, but is easier to decorate since you need fewer ornaments. This is especially important if you fall victim to the decorating trends imposed on you by magazine editors, who clearly convey that the blue balls of yesteryear are out, and that silver bells are the new now. You can swap them out without going broke, and your husband will appreciate the change in metaphor. (Confession: We bought a big tree this year.)
- Make paper chains and snowflakes. I’m not kidding. What better way is there to remember the joy of first grade? Use red and green construction paper or other colors to complement your décor. This will keep the kids busy for hours, and is an inexpensive and festive alternative to garland. Snowflakes can be made from ordinary white paper, and can be taped to the windows or hung on strings from the ceiling. You don’t need to bury your home in paper crafts. Place them in prominent areas (around a doorway, mirror, window, buffet) and they will make an impact. Use recycled paper if you want to impress your progressive friends.
- Employ the Scrooge Rule. Agree with friends and relatives in advance to not exchange gifts or to have a gift exchange. Call it the Scrooge Rule so they think it’s a trendy recession move. If you are uncomfortable with that name, call it the Bob Cratchit Rule. He was nice, but broke.
- Play the Green card. Justify to yourself and anyone else that the overloading of closets with underused Christmas toys and gifts is ecologically unsound. Give edible gifts, and know that they can be happily excreted. Above all, convince society that Christmas, as we know it, is not green.
- Have a potluck. If you must have Christmas party, promise to get everyone drunk, and ask them to kindly bring an appetizer to share. If you can’t bear the idea of a potluck, have a party with appetizers only and avoid lunch and dinner hours. Call it an open house, and greet them with some well-priced bubbly and snacks from, say, Trader Joe’s.
- Know that you will fail your children. No matter how much you give them, they will inevitably want more. Remember Veruca Salt? Make peace with this. You will tell them how lucky they are, how they have so much more than most people across the globe, and then their eyes will glaze over as they wait for you to finish so they can ask you for the $50 Baby Alive that eats and takes gelatin dumps. Don’t get this, especially if you have a cat that is already urinating on every blanket in your home.
- Avoid commercials. Watch PBS. It’s civilized, intellectual, and commercial-free. Nothing makes my kids want more than a Saturday morning Nickelodeon marathon. Imagine the team of well-dressed people with masters’ degrees that are on the production end of these commercials, machinating over jingles and set designs that will teach your children to want.
- Fleece your family and friends. Go to the fabric store and check out the bolts of fleece. The colors and designs range from whimsical to sporty to, yes, tasteful. Cut strips and make some scarves. Fleece is warm, and the splash of color will dress up any outfit. And you can let them have Spongebob! Or John Deere. Or plaid. Since the edges don’t fray, no sewing is necessary.
- Double dip with clothing. Kids always need clothing. Give them that as presents. This is an easier sell with girls than boys, but everyone, even little ones, feel fabulous with a new, comfortable outfit.
- Resist the PotteryBarnization of your family. That is, resist the urge to dress everyone in matching formal Christmas outfits. Why does the birth of Jesus compel dads to dress like their daughters? And you don’t need formalwear if on Christmas you ride 2 hours in the car to Lodi to have $6.99 a plate Super Buffet with your aunt Cathy. And don’t talk to me about the family photo. Years from now, you won’t even remember the adorable Rudolph outfit with matching North Pole accessories for which you shelled out $80. (Hi, Gymboree.) Buy clothes they can wear in February, too. Rudolph is for rich people. Let them have him.
- Fight Christmas card oppression. Everyone is sick of these. The overproduced family photo is becoming the yawner of the season. People are now jonesing for the pretty artwork with sparkling glitter. When did our families become more beautiful than Currier & Ives? You can always pop in a photo. If the photo was taken at home with your camera and reproduced at Costco, you will be all right, and your friends, if they are true, will call you again.
- Make a joyful noise. Is this too obvious? Watch some Christmas classics as a family. Read some stories. Make a gingerbread house together. Play Bing Crosby. Decorate the tree while sipping hot chocolate. Make Christmas about more than just stuff; your kids will remember this. Stuff has to be organized; your kids will not do this.
Fight the power, good people. Leave the plastic in your wallet or, better, your garbage can, and may all your Christmases be in the black.
About the Author
Greta Koenigin is a retired high school teacher who lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband, 3 children, and unruly cat. She enjoys live theater, reading, and decorating. She writes of her adventures, at home and at-large on her blog: savingprivatemommy.com
Spongebob Squarepants: Supersponge (Game Boy Advance) with commentary
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